withlove, arena.L

No heartaches in 2012, please.

2012-01-31T23:08:00.002+08:00

Hello 2012.

It has been a while since I update this space here.

This is the first post in 2012! And on the 1st Jan 2012, I've decided to change a new look and cut bangs.

And how amazing it is that, today is the last day of jan. Just look at how fast the time is passing each day.

Unknowingly, I'm already working in H&M for almost half a year already.

I spend my 2011 christmas working, so it means that I spend my christmas with the divided babies! :)

And also, a post christmas gathering with the bicycle at Shaun's house.
Love hanging out with the bicycle. Hope everyone have an enjoyable christmas during 2011! ;)

As for NYE, as usual, I spend with my love ones, which is my secondary school clique.

How sad it it that year by year, the number of people that willing to gather together gets lesser and lesser.

I guess, this is the thing that time teaches us. Oh well, get used to it.

Spend the night at marina watching fireworks. Haha. Same thing every year I guess.

And this year CNY... is nothing special for me.... But thankgod that this year nobody nags at me. Hehe.

Spend the eve eating at my dad's place and then 1st day CNY working and 2nd day CNY visiting my grandma's place. No photos for this year CNY because I've lost my phone... Yes, I'm so angsty and depress over it still. I mean, I've lost 3 phones in a month. Okay, I know I'm dumb. But I really think this year I'm very "suay"... Sighhhhs..... I just hope that all my "suay-ness" come all at onces and then later on let me be "heng heng" for the rest of the year.... :(

Last but not least, I miss my ultra black hair and long fringe......

xoxo.

ciaos.

In love with leopard print

2011-11-24T23:28:00.001+08:00

Spend my sweet off day today at home watching running man and laughing throughout the day. Been a while since I really spend my off day lazing around at home. It feels so great. Hehe. Somehow I miss those poly times.... How irony life is, when we are young we can't wait to go to the society and work. And now that I'm working, I miss those school day. Oh well, this is life, I guess. So cherish your schooling days people.

Oh, Leopard print day at work yesterday ^^

Story of my life

2011-11-19T01:37:00.001+08:00

Hello, I've neglecting my blog for a very very long time. I just feel like letting out my rants.

My life is not as bad as before, as I'm now working. Good thing is I'm always busy working and keeping myself occupied with things so that I won't let my thoughts take control over me. It's just that I couldn't help but feel empty sometimes. It's like... I don't seems to have a purpose to live, or rather I can't find my purpose to live. Everyday I wake up, go to work, back from work, sleep. Sometimes, I feel so lost like I don't fit into this world, but sometimes, I feel so bliss to have so many people around me that cares for me. I don't know what I want. Maybe I still haven't really figure it out. But it's really scary, scary to grow up. Growing up in a process where you are being force to accept everything despite how reluctant you are. In this game of Reality, whoever puts on the best mask, win the game.

When we are all young, life is about who has more friends and who wins. Now that we've all grown up, life is about who puts on the best act and who wins. Society is too cruel and brutal. They stole away all our innocence and turning everyone into a monster. Maybe because I'm beginning to slowly step out of my "comfort zone" and I'm starting to see what the outside world is. I've met so many kinds of people, the fake one, the stupid one, the useless one, the cunning one, the kind one, the funny one and so many kinds of people outside. I've learn about the rule to survive in this game, is to play pretense. And trust no one but yourself. It's so hard for me to really accept this kind of life, but I'll try.

And this game has made me become so guarded. More guarded that I'm in the past. I've built this high wall around me, built up all these defenses and a whole suit of armor so that nothing can hurt me. And this destroys me. I find it even harder now for me to trust people. I'm so afraid to let anything in and violate my boundaries. I'm so afraid of people trying to get close to me. I don't feel save. Fuck this shit. I need to get all this unhealthy thoughts off my mind. If last year I can survive through all those downfall, this should be easy too. I can do it, because I am Arena.

Well, I really miss my home. I know this sounds weird, because I'm living at home but I truly miss my home, the home where momsy is here, sis and bro is here too. Living in this empty home makes me even more homesick. Just wish that time can stop at where I was 17............... Okay, below is the pictures of my life with wonderful people that I've met in the past month.

Xoxo.

2011-11-10T02:15:00.000+08:00

Times flies, been ages since I last update this space. This year is coming to an end soon. So many things happen during this few months. I've met so many awesome and nice people at my new workplace. And I've been to hong kong during august for 2 weeks training. Life is pretty much awesome till now. Somehow, I will still get those creepy nothingness feeling that is haunting me. I miss my mum. Definitely. Always. But I think that I've become a better and stronger person compared to this time last year. I've made so many decision, and I don't know if it's worth it or not, but I will never regret any decision that I've made thus far. I will hang on till the day I can get to see my momsy again.

formspring.me

2011-09-07T00:14:00.001+08:00

Ask me anything http://formspring.me/xnxy

I'm Arena.

2011-07-25T02:54:00.002+08:00

Suddenly have the urge to blog today. I'm feeling so down recently.... I feel like my life is always full of shit. Problem is always popping up.... I feel like everything is again pushing me to an end. Why must the world constantly force me to a dead end? It's like forever.... No matter how hard I work, nothing seems to be improving... I really feel like dying... Feel so discouraged. So I decided to browse through my blog archive just now, and I'm reading all my past from 2010 till today... And while reading so many things came flashing back. All the images, pain, heartache and struggles came floating at the back of my mind. Everything, still so fresh and clear. And even till today, while reading through my blog, I still tear. And honestly, I'm thankful that I'm still alive till now. Thank god that I managed to pull myself out of the dark hole. I told myself, if I can overcome all this during the past 1 year, this time round, just a little setback.. How can I feel so discourage and feel like giving up so easily?

Have you ever experience a sudden change overnight that force you to become mature and accept everything even when you're not ready? If you've not, you won't know how much and how hard I've been fighting against myself for the whole 12 months. I feel useless, and hate myself so much, because I could not accept the things that is being throw to me so suddenly. I couldn't manage and balance my life between work, school, family and friends. I feel so lost. And my sister, my father and my promise to my mum make me struggle even more. And it took me almost a year to accept and face everything, picking myself up and start to get normal again. All those mental battle against depression really sucks big time. Even till now, I'm still scare of the feeling, scare of depression coming back to haunt me. It's really like living in misery every day. And those thoughts is so scary that they've turn me into someone who I don't even know. It's really like you're fighting every day to stay alive because it hurts so much to stay alive with all the heartache that is hurting me everyday. And the pain is unbearable to the point that I feel that the only way to set myself free is to die or do hurtful things to myself to stop this heartache. So, I began to drink and smoke everyday.... And slowly I start to hurt myself just to ease my heartache. And I would feel so much better after I hurt myself physically. I feel that the pain is transfer to my body, And honestly if now you ask me to hurt myself again, I don't think I have the courage to do it again.... I guess depression really makes you turn into a monster. But thankfully, at the worst time of my life, my aunt came in and help me up.

I still remember before my whole life came tumbling down, I'm also just like other teenage girls, going out with friends, shopping, doing all the things that a teenager should do. But one day, everything changed, my whole life changed. Having to accept the fact that something happen to my mum and she is not being able to come back to us for years and having to accept staying with my father. It's a torture. Because since young, my memory of my father is very little. And all the memory of my father is all negative and painful memory. Thanks to him, my childhood is filled with horrifying images of him beating my mum and us. I really hate my father. He is the one that brought so much misery and pain to us, to my mother. My mum has tried to commit suicide few times because of him. And he spend half of his life behind the bars. I really hate him for causing so much pain to mum. He has never done his part as a father at all. All he knows is gamble and drugs. A leopard will never change its spots. And the past 1 year living with him only makes me feel even more inferior and hating myself more. He is just so good at making me feeling useless, and he is those unreasonable father. He have never trust me and listen to me at all. All he knows is to scold me, compare me to other people. He have never appreciate me and think about how much I've contribute to the family before. I hate him. He is the one that cause to have phobia of married life. That's why I always told people I don't want to get married. Or maybe don't dare.....

My life become so much better after my father move back to his own place and putting my sister into children home. At least I feel less burden. I hope that one day my sister will read my blog and understand why I did everything. I just want her to be good and know how to take care of herself. Putting my sister into the children home really hurts me so much and I've gone through so much struggle to come to this decision. I know she is going to hate me for being so cruel to her. I hate myself too. But it's for her own good, one day when she come to realize all our intention, she will understand. Despite all her rebellious act and how much she've done to hurt me, I still want to thank her all everything she've done and put me through so much struggle. No, I don't despise her. But I want to thank her and I want to thank everything that happen in my life, everything that bring me down and hurt me. Because everything that happen made me that much stronger now. At least now whenever I read back my past, I feel relieve. Relieve that I've been through so much and still being able to come thus far. Every time I feel upset or feel like giving up, I'll read my past.... And then it will give me the will to carry on and hold everything together. Because after so much I've been through, I believe nothing can ever bring me down again. I can do it, just hang in there and take one step at a time.......

Arena, you can do it. Have faith in yourself. You've already gone so far.... And you're still doing great. For all the people who have never give up on me, I'll always hang on. For you all and for my mum.

Xoxo.

Peaceful?

2011-07-14T02:04:00.000+08:00

Sometimes I feel like deleting away this space but sometimes I feel like keeping this space here reminds me of how strong of a person I've become and how my emotions lead me to who I am today. It's really amazing.... Amazing that I've gone through so many emotions. I guess that not many would believe that I've suicide thoughts around half a year ago, and not many knows that how much terrible things I've done to myself. After so many things that has happen, I really think that I've become a stronger person. I've really really really learn to let go, no matter how much it hurts, but somethings letting go is the only way to save a person. I hope that someday, my sister and brother will came to realise that whatever decision I've made today, it hurts me a lot too. But I want them to be good.

From the past till now, I dare to say that I've really become more tough and stronger. For those who know me, they know that I used to be a very soft-hearted person on the inside. Yes, my mouth might be nasty but whenever sometimes needs me or in terms of any help, I will definitely help. Yes, this is how stupid I'm last time. And time after time, after so many times of putting my heart and soul for people, they just teaches me to be more and more of a heartless person. No, not because I don't care, it's because I've learn to protect myself. I can't be stupid forever. Because every time I care, they just hurt me even more. Eventually, I'm sick and tired of it too. So, why should I care?

Ever since I've learn to be more heartless, life is so much easier. Because you don't have to care so much about anything anymore. Life is so great.. And sometimes, this peacefulness might not be a good thing. Because being heartless feels scary. I really think that in life, yes, ghost are scary... But I think that the real scary thing is human, or rather ourselves. I think that our biggest enemy is ourselves. Everyday we fought with our inner self. Some times, I can't help but wonder, what if I never do this, what would happen? Everyday, all the "what-if" just keeps on haunting me. It's like, you want to do this, but your mind stops you from doing this. Because you know it's wrong..... Some times, I wish that I'm all alone. As in, really alone, don't have any sibling, nothing. Just all by myself. Maybe I couldn't have so much worries and troubles. Then I can do the things I wanted to do. Afraid to try yet afraid of falling. I really wanted to pursuit my dreams, but there so too many things hindering me. Right now, I'm stuck in the middle of whether to move on or to wait. I don't want to live my life in regrets again. Because living life in regret.... It's a very miserable thing. Once is enough.

Sometimes, I hate myself. Hate myself for being so useless and helpless. There are so many things I wanted to do, yet I can't do anything. This kind of feelings is eating me up. Sighs, Life is just so perplex yet ironic.....

Finally......

2011-05-30T02:51:00.001+08:00

How time flies.... 3 years just pass like that. Yes, amazingly fast.. I feel like it's just ytd that I've entered poly and now I've graduated from NYP. Can't really believe that I've actually graduated... I still rmb that during year 1 and 2, every time during the graduation period, I walk pass the sch auditorium, I always think inside my heart... Will I be able to wear this gown and graduate from NYP also? And yes, finally it's my turn now! It's something to be happy about. Yes, I'm really happy that day. I would be happier if only my mum is there to witness me taking my diploma. That day, many of my friends told me that I looked different and I've changed. Yes, I've really changed.... And I've made a decision on the day I graduate too... A decision and a promise that I made to myself....... I don't know if anyone ever notice, I seldom make a promise to anyone because I know it's hard to keep a promise. But if I ever make a promise to whoever, I'll keep it. That's why I only make a promise when I'm confident and ready about it.

I'm not who I was before. This 2 years, so many things happen. I've really learn and grow up a lot. Maturity is not about the age, it's about how you handle the things in life. I've feel too much in life, so much that I can't find any words to describe how I really feel and I think that nobody can really understand how I truly feel unless they have been through what I've gone through.... I've changed, I've learn to accept and live in reality. I know many people are very curious about what happen to my mum or why am I always so miserable? I don't understand why do people always like to ask so much about other people's life? Not like they genuinely care about my life or how I feel. They just want to satisfy their own curiosity. At the end of the day, nobody is going to be there for me, only myself. Yes, I'll share my life story with some people, but I'll still keep a part of it to myself because I'll never open fully to anyone in my life. Impossible, I just can't do that.

My whole life I always take things for granted just like other people. Never really appreciate all the things that my mum has done for me. People always say, you will only learn to cherish the things you have when they are gone. I can totally relate to this sentence. No, fyi, my mum is not dead! She is still alive, just that she is not in Singapore. Why is she not in Singapore? I shall not say much, to feed those who are so eager to know.. She is currently over at japan, and won't be back so soon. Okay, for whatever reason she's over there, I will not say so much. My dad and my mum divorce since I'm young. And I stay with my mum since young. She is really the greatest mum and someone that I really respect and loved. She bring us up, the 4 of us, by herself, without any help from my dad or any money from him. That is why I really respect my mum, she really give us so much but I just couldn't see it last time..

I grow up in a completely messy and single parent family. I smoke, I drink and have tattoo, but that doesn't mean that I'm a bad girl or ah lian. Stop the stereotype, pls. For those who know me, they know what kind of person I'm. For those who don't know me, take time to know me before you judge me or just stfu. But I work hard for what I want and I treat my parents with respect. I respect them, even though how much I hate my father, at the very least, I still respect him. Maybe not as a father because he has not done anything that a father should do. But I respect him as a human, as someone older than me. Because of so many things that is going on right now, I'm bring forced to accept the things that I don't want to accept. I'm being forced to shoulder everything. And because of all this, I've learned and grow up. I thank all this life experience that I have that made me who I am today. You will never know how sucks it is to feel so lost about your life and no one that to guide you through your darkest period in life.

I'm not that kind of ah lian that doesn't work and only get money from parents, I'm not that kind of ah lian that doesn't sch or skip sch everyday and only know how to spam vulgarities. Yes, I still do scold vulgarities when I'm really pissed off, but not to the extend that I add them before every sentence I speak. Yes, I smoke, but I never encourage any of my friends to try it before. And I smoke because I feel very stress about my life. I did stop smoking but life sucks, and I got back to smoking. And yes, I have tattoos. And whatever I do to my body, I asked my mum's permission before I ink. She agree to let me ink and so I went ahead. If she doesn't allow, I will not ink. I respect my mum very much. And people will ask why my mum allows me to tattoo? Well, because I really did a lot to gain my mum's trust. She is like my best friend. She knows why I want to tattoo. My very first tattoo, was the word "Peace" on my left wrist. She asked my why do I tattoo the word "Peace"? I told her, I always hope for Peace in our family, Peace in myself and Peace in her. She was stunned for a moment and then she told me, she never thought that I would tattoo "Peace". Yes, I drink and in fact, I love to drink. Because drinking makes me feel happy and carefree. Like all my problems is gone for that moment... But I know that drinking can't solve anything, but nobody really understand how much stress I'm facing everyday. And for all the things I've done, there is always a reason behind it. Why can't people just think of the reason instead of just judging me on with their own thoughts?

In my entire life, I've tried so hard to be what people wants me to be. I always put you before me. I always sacrifice so many things for my family. I'm really tired of being like this. I want to be myself. I want to be happy. I want to live for myself. I want someone to be afraid of losing me. At least for once. This 2 years, I really feel so much. Last year December, I really wanted to end my life and just let go of everything. There are just too much for me to handle. But at the same time, I just couldn't let go of everything. And thankfully, I've hold on and all this shit have made me who I am today. For the pass 1 month, I've been struggling and thinking a lot about my life. Do I really want to lead this life? Do I really want to be miserable forever? No, I don't want. But I just couldn't help but feel miserable every once in a while. But I'm trying to be more happy and less miserable already. Everyone has to breakdown once in a while to be stronger. You need to feel miserable first, in order to taste real happiness. 2 months, give me 2 months..... I'm going to do it. This is the promise to myself. I've accepted reality.

And lastly, mum....This is for you. I hope that I do you proud.

Xoxo.

2011-05-16T02:52:00.000+08:00

Too much emotions is filling me up right up. For the past 2 hours, my emotional state is like a crazy roller coaster ride. Been through high and low, up and down. I really think humans thought is really amazing, it change so fast that I'm beginning to be afraid of myself too. //this was typed like 5 mins ago, before I'm being told I'm not spending enough time with my family.

Okay, I'm officially a fucked up person, world most lousiest person in the world. I don't deserve anything good, or anyone affection, or just plainly happiness. I am a loser, a moron, a pathetic, a useless, a worthless piece of shit. Thanks. I didn't know after all I've done for my family, I'm still being told, not caring enough for them. Yeah? how about telling me what should I do? I've stopped crying, but now, I'm completely break down. Fuck this shit, you know how much I hate to cry?

Change is the only constant.

2011-05-05T03:30:00.002+08:00

We're all growing up. And the stages of growing up is not easy. In fact, it's scary. It's like you're being forced to accept so many things in life, you don't really have the choice to choose whether to accept or not... It just happen and then you have no power to stop it but just accept it. Life is really so unpredictable. I've learn so many things in life. There are pros and cons to go through so much in life. It's good that I've go through so much and still able to survive. But going through so much have make me lose faith in believing in people. I've lose faith in love, in friendship, and most importantly lose faith in believing. I find it really hard to trust people, especially guys. I've see too much life example that make me so scare of trusting guys. You see, someone so close to you, someone that is suppose to protect you and love you, a father, is also doing things that hurt you... Tell me, how can you still be able to trust guys? I really hate my father. Because of him, I'm doubting myself, my ability, my confidence and my moral. I used to respect him in the past despite of how bad he might be, or how useless as a father is he, cos to me, after all he is still my father.. Without there won't be me too.. But now, I've totally lose respect to him. (Don't judge if you don't know anything. I'm not that kind of unfilial daughter that only know how to complain and curse.) I wish that he could just disappear from my life forever. I really hate him that causes so much pain to my mother and the family.

Right now, my main focus is to earn more money and save as much money as possible. 2 years, I'm giving myself 2 years to make everything works. I'm going to prove to every single person that disapprove me. And I know that many ppl are always asking me why I don't want to get a boyfriend? I'm not young anymore. I know I'm not young anymore and I don't have much time to waste already.. But I really don't want to find a bf right now, I need to settle my job first before any other things. And I don't want to have any commitment now, I don't want to find a bf just for the sake of having one. I really don't have time for all these. Yes, then some will say, because I haven't found the right one yet. Well, maybe I haven't yet. I do not know. But for now, I really don't want to get involve into any relationship till my job is more stable. Maybe if I settle all my thoughts and plans and I'll open up when I'm ready.

Really tired of always trying to explain things to ppl. Why must I keep on explaining to ppl about what I'm planning to do with my life? What for? They will always judge me and thinks that I can't make it, I can't do well. I mean, for what trying to tell ppl how you really feel but ended up being so demoralize by their remarks? And whats worst? Some don't even bother, they just ask for the sake of satisfying their curiosity. Really sick of all this bullshit. It's not like I owe anyone anything? Why must I report all my plans to you all? This is my life. I know I'm not perfect neither am I very smart. But that doesn't mean I can't excel in my entire life..... I know I can do it. Yes, I can.

Xoxo.

I feel reborn.

2011-04-25T03:07:00.005+08:00

Hello world. I don't know whether is there still anybody reading this blog, but it's okay, I will just update.
I'm feeling so much better.... Better in a way that I'm not so depress anymore. At least, I'm not crying my night, drinking my life and wasting my time away. But I do and still feels negatively at times. It's okay. I guess I'm finally used to it. Used to my life being like this, used to everything that hurts me and mould me into who I am today. I've become stronger than before. And I guess I made the right choice by doing everything. At least now, I'm really feeling so much relieved and better compared to last year.

Last year was a disaster to me. A really mad and crazy disaster. It's like the I'm at the lowest peak of my life, like I've dropped into a bottomless pit-hole and I can't see any light at all. Really, I feel so much during that period of time. I become someone that I don't know too. It's really scary... to feel that way. Somehow, I am thankful that I can survive through everything too. At least I've learn so many things and becoming a stronger person. I feel reborn. Like I'm starting a new life, because I've learn to accept that there are just too many things beyond my control. I'm learning to share my problems slowly, learning to say how I feel, learning not to pretend. It's so much easier to let things out......

Right now, part of my problem that triggers my depression is slowly going away. But, another new problem is coming up... I've reach my life's turning point. Which makes me feel very depressing also. I'm really lost in my life direction. I don't know what I want. Even if I know what I want, I don't know if I'm capable of getting what I want. And I don't know if what I want is something that will benefit me in the future? There's just so many "what if" that keeps on popping inside my mind. Everyday I'm like living my life aimlessly.. Just working(part time) my life away. Everyday either just work, and sleep. Or just stay at home and do nothing. If not I'll head out to do my things. It's like I've accomplish nothing at all so far. This is not the life that I want. I cannot and don't want to waste my life just like that. Sometimes, I look around me... And I see all my friends like having no worries about their future... It makes me think that am I too over reacting about my future or they all have already plan their future or they just simply couldn't be bother about their future? I really don't know, but somehow, either reason, I envy them because they seems to be so carefree... I wish to be carefree too.... ):

I do have a dream and I really want to pursuit my dream, but there are too many obstacle hindering me. I don't know if I can do it or not. I'm so afraid of falling, but if I never fall, I'll never learn. Sucks. I hate growing up. And I know that I need to stay firm to whatever choice I've made because once time is gone, it's forever gone. I'm giving myself till May to decide on what I want. I need to fucking stay firm on my decision. I can do it. Right now, I'm too lost to be found.. But I believe that, someday, the lost will be found.

Goodbye with a smile for you all :) Someday, I will be found...........

Xoxo.

Figuring myself out....

2011-03-21T21:47:00.002+08:00

Lost in life....

Promise I'll update soon...

Xoxo.

formspring.me

2011-03-03T22:34:00.001+08:00

Ask me anything, http://formspring.me/xnxy

I am a walking disaster

2011-02-28T01:32:00.002+08:00

LOST AND INSECURE.
MESSED UP AND CONFUSED.
I HATE THIS FEELING.
" It's okay, one day this feeling will be gone.
Just a matter of time, maybe not now, but soon."
...... But... what if the time never comes?

I am trying, trying and still trying... For this home, for my mother, for everything and everyone. But...
Once in a while, you'll just do something terrible to tear me apart, and break me down.
Nearly 2 years, I've been struggling for the past 2 years... In the mist of struggling, I lost myself..
I think that I've changed. I've change into someone I don't know.
I feel like a monster, a really terrible one... Or maybe it's just the real me screaming for help....?
It's scary to feel this way. Every time I look in the mirror, and I ask myself, when do all this started?
When did I lost my ability to smile and be happy? Which is the real me? I don't know anymore.
I don't know who I am anymore, I just want to run and run and run away from everything.
Too afraid to make anymore decision........ I feel so lost right now...
I don't know what I want anymore.... I am a walking disaster, a terrible person, a failure..
Too much thoughts kept inside me, left unexpressed.

I've tried so many ways to numb myself from all the things...
I need something to make me feel relief, to take away the emotional pain...
I drink, I smoke and I hurt myself... But all this kind of physical pain is nothing compared to the heartache.
It's useless, no matter how much I do, nothing is able to take away the pain of heartache.
I need to get used to living in misery, because this feeling will haunt me few years down the road...
It's not easy, but do I have a choice?
Nobody will ever understand how much I loathe myself.
Nobody will ever understand how much I blame myself.
The guilt is killing me and eating me alive.
Everyone told me that it's not my fault, but nobody is me, they will never understand how I feel.
I will never forgive myself till the day my mum is back.
I've let her down, I've let everyone down.................

Xoxo.

I don't know what I'm fighting for in life anymore....

2011-02-09T01:20:00.002+08:00

I think I've lost my priority in life. I don't know what's more important? Studies? Money? Family? Friends?

I posted this on facebook ytd night... And one of my friend commented... " where's 'Myself?' " This instantly make me realise that... For all the things I've done... I never really think and care about myself. And I really wonder, after so long... Have I really live for myself? Or I'm living for others? I really don't know. And that 2 short word made me tear..... I don't know why I tear.. But I just feel like crying.. I think I've reach my limits. I don't think I can hold on anymore. Because I've been keeping too much for the past 2 years. Can you imagine for the past 2 years, I've been hiding my emotions and feelings... No matter how hard things are, how many pressure is weighing on me, how breathless I'm feeling or how stress is everything... I just keep quiet. I choose not to show it out, not because I have no feeling, but because I don't want people to worry about me. I don't mind feeling so tired, I don't mind feeling unhappy, I don't mind feeling misunderstood, I don't mind about myself, I really don't mind. I just hope that one day, everything will come in place, my effort will be paid off and that this family is still like a family... The day my mum be back and my sister is safe. But sadly, my sister don't understand how I feel and how much pressure I'm facing. I really really have no idea how to handle and face her anymore. I think I'm too scare to get hurt. For all the things I've done.. I always wonder, why am I the only one caring so much? Why must I do everything? Why must I feel so much? Why must I feel so sad over everything? Why? Simple... It's because of the word, family..

During past few days of CNY, I really felt so carefree. As in, nobody really bomb my phone asking me and telling me so many things. And that few day, I really felt so happy. Happy because I don't have to worry and cry myself to slp everyday... Happy because no one really ask me about how am I? How is my mum, how is the family. Happy because I don't need to go through everything again when I'm trying so hard to forget everything. But this is only temporary... I really miss who I was. I miss the old me, even thought I wasn't that great of a person in all seriousness, but I was happier than I am.. Just what I thought I'm happy with my life... Again, things starts to fall apart... And then it makes me wonder do I really don't deserve to be happy? If only this happiness can last me for a week... I try to run and hide.. But no matter how hard I try to run away from everything, it will still come running after me, haunting me everyday. I feel so helpless.... Like everything is pushing me to an end.. I just wish to jump down and die and forget about all the pain. Remember, I am only human.................................................... There's a limit to all the pain.

Dear Life,

2011-01-09T19:39:00.001+08:00

Dear Life,

I feel alot for the pass few days. It’s like… I’m sink into this dark hole, can’t get out.. I feel so helpless, useless and hopeless…. And I wish I never exist. I don’t know whether I have depression or I’m just thinking too much? But all these shit is killing me and making me losing myself. I’ve even thought of ending my life, because I’m at my wits end. Each day living, is a torturing for me, I feel that maybe I’m better off dead. I skip school for 3 days. Because I really have no strength to fake a smile. I’m tired of pretending and faking everything’s okay when everything is not okay. I drowned my troubles in alcohol and smoke my life away for the pass 1 week. I’m really tired of putting on this mask to the whole world…. Everyone expect too much from me.. Most of all, I, expect the most out of myself. For whatever I’ve done, I think I’ve done my best. But no one will agree with me. And everything that happen just makes me feel so useless.

First time in my entire life, I cry in front of people. I had a fucking breakdown at work last Wednesday. And I really hate crying in front of people, I hate to show the world the vulnerable side of me and any sign of weakness. I’m the type of girl, who suffer in silence, don’t cry in front of people, smile despite how shitty things are, always put you before me, leave my phone on at night just in case someone needs me. It’s because I love everyone else more than I could ever love myself. Pathetic isn’t it? But no matter how much I hate crying, I still have to admit that crying really does makes me feel better.. At least, after I cry, I feel so much better… I regain a little bit of my energy to carry on pretending…

And many people asked me, “Why do I look so sad?”, “Why do I look so tired?”, “Am I okay?”, “Don’t think so much.”.. How can I not think? When everyday, I’m facing it. Yes, I’m so mentally tired, exhaust. At times, I really wish that I can die. But what happen after I die? Will people acknowledge or approve of me? No. They’ll just think that I’m a selfish and useless crap. If only I could fade away or disappear. I don’t want to face the world in this state. Most of my friends see me as “strong”, “mighty”, “invincible”. But have they ever wonder, how does it really feels like to be strong, might and invincible? Afterrall, I’m only a human being. If I have a choice, do you think I want to be strong, mighty or even invincible? No. Because I don’t have a choice, being strong, mighty and invincible is tiring….. Very.

Honestly, I really appreciate the people ard me. My friends, family.. They’ve been encouraging me and never give up on me despite how much I shut myself against them.. And I promise I’ll never do anything silly, at least not now yet. I’m still hang on and be strong. But at the same time, I’m so scare, so scare of people getting close to me and comfort me. I’m scare that I might forget the feeling of being fearless, invincible and independent. I don’t want it to be like this, I don’t want to lose my guard and break my walls. That is the reason why I choose to shut myself to people that tried to get close to me. I’m tired of people leaving my life. I just want to feel that I’m important to someone. Just someone. At least I feel that I’m not worthless…..

After a long week of internal mental battle I have, I’m really exhaust. I need to pick myself up and find myself back. I need to find back my strength to continue to pretend, because pretending has already become a part of me….

Note to self #1: Learn to love and treat myself better

I need a break from reality.

2010-12-29T02:22:00.003+08:00

Life is so exhausting. I am drowning myself on alcohol and smoking my life away for 2 days alr. I know it's stupid, and it's not that I wanted to but that's the only way to make myself feel better. And I'm really tired, I need a break, for the past few weeks, every night I'm having nightmare... I'm tired of being brave, strong and fearless. I work like mad almost everyday during my term break... Yes, apart from money, another part of the reason is that I want to numb myself and keep myself busy so that I don't and won't have the time to think about how sucks my life is. Many ppl asked me that I think I'm a superwoman or what? why am I working so hard and I don't need to rest? It really puzzled me. I thought I'm a superwoman to everyone? Because everyone just expect so much from me. They always want me to be this, to do that and doesn't even bother or care about how I feel? So, why are they still asking me whether am I superwoman or not? Since to them, I'm alr like so bulletproof. No matter how well I do or how many right things I've done, no body sees it... But just 1 thing I done wrongly, all the faults and blame will be on me? Yes, nobody will notices what I do until I don't do it. Nobody notices how I feel until I don't care abt it. Nobody notices me until one day I'm really gone. I don't want it to be this way.... Why can't ppl just see how hard I'm trying and really appreciated what I'm done so far? I've scarifies so much for the pass 1 year plus and I really have nth else left... I really don't understand why? I don't know what am I suppose to do and feel about it anymore. I've been trying so hard for the past 1 year, trying to maintain everything in place, trying so hard to let my sister and brother feels that they are still loved even thought that our family may not be like other families, so lovely and complete. I really want them to feel loved and not giving up on themselves. I give my best in whatever I can, maybe taking a break now and then to do the things that what other teenagers did, like partying their life away. Ppl said that family will be there for you no matter what? Yes, I did, but I don't feel that anyone is there for me when I need them... I really miss those time when I'm young, I feel like the king of the world... Because when I cry, everyone is so concern abt me, and everyone will be there for me telling me not to cry.. But now? As I grow older.. When I cry, I feel like I'm at the bottom of the pit of my world, no one is there for me telling me not to cry. This is the fact and cold fact about life.

My life is in a complete mess. I really couldn't understand how could someone hurt someone so badly that makes me could hardly breathe and so miserable? Doing the things that you like and not even bother about how I could feel? But it's really amazing that how much sadness and pain a human heart can take. In the past, I always think that ppl with suicidal thoughts are useless and dumb.. Actually, suicide is not chosen. It happens when pain exceeds resources for coping with pain. But fret not, I've promise myself that I will hold on for another day, hour, minute, or whatever I can mange. I won't do anything silly.. At least not now..... I don't know whether am I getting used to the pain or what? I rather I can cry out loud at least I'll feel so much better. I think I'm too used to being strong, I've forgotten the feeling of crying out loud for help. I've learn so much from life. To ppl who know me, I may seems like always smiling and laughing on the outside, but honestly, I don't like to displaying any sign of weakness to other ppl, that is why I'm always telling jokes and making ppl laugh. Maybe I know the feeling of sadness and how much it sucks so I don't want to see the ppl ard me to feel this way. I'm always trying my best to make ppl laugh... I keep everything to myself. I don't have the habit of sharing... I don't lie unless I have no other choice. My definition of life is very simple, I just want everyone to be happy. After trying so hard, I really wonder what excatly in life are we fighting for? Maybe we're all just fighting to stay alive. But each day, are we actually living or are we actually dying? For so much I've done, I don't feel a single bit of being appreciated and approval. Instead I feel very worthless and useless... Tell me, what should I do? Everyone, my family, my friends all expect the best out of me... They just don't know how much I'm holding inside me. If I do this, I'm wrong. If I do that, I'm still wrong. Nothing is right. Tell me what should I do? And slowly, I've this thinking everyone hates me. Everyone, my friend, family, and even strangers... I don't knw why I've having this feeling but I really feel this way and this feeling is taking me away. I really hope I can fade away from life. I have no idea what to feel..... I don't excatly hate my life, I just hate what I'm going through right now...

I really need to do pick myself up and find myself back. I need to find a way out. I think I'm going crazy and I think I really need to see a psychiatrist...... Fuck depression.

Life's ironic.

2010-12-14T00:50:00.003+08:00

Fake a smile and making others happy, is my way of escaping from this unpleasant realities..

Sad isn't it.... Everyday we try so hard to keep ourselves busy pushing ourselves to its limit, pretend to be happy and smiling but the truth is we're all just trying to escape from reality and pain with a happy face and a fake smile....

Everyday, I tried so hard to portray this happy me to show the whole world that I'm invincible, but honestly, how many could actually know that most of the time, I'm actually on the verge of tears wanting to give up so badly, let go of everything that is making me feeling so miserable. But I can't do it, asking me to give up is as good as asking me to die. The thing that is making me miserable is also the strength for me to move on in my life... There are just some things which I can't let go no matter what. I think that I'm trying my very best in whatever I do to maintain between my family, friends, school and work. But everything just don't seems to be in a very favourable situation. It seems like I'm a very bad sister, so bad that I think my sister doesn't even likes me cause she don't listen to me. I feel that my friend hates me and don't understand me. Maybe I seems to be unaffected cause I'm always so happy, but they don't know that a simple comment made by them really affects me in every single way, even if they're just joking. I think I'm really too sensitive..... They don't know how about my pain or how I feel... I think that the whole world hates me. I really thinks that I'm a very useless person. Every time, I screwed things up. And I really hate all the scenes that my mind is displaying... It just fucking make me even more demoralized. I know very well that my greatest enemy is no one but myself, and no matter what other say, it's useless. This fucking cycle, just when will this fucking cycle ends!

Honestly, I don't see the need to let the whole world know that I'm not okay with myself. Maybe I should completely shut myself and keep everything to myself. Cause everyday, it's just the same old shit. Face it, no one is interested in reading the same old shit every single fucking time. And no one will give a fucking god damn about how depress my life is. So, I should really just shut the fuck up and isolate myself from other people.... Arena, no one will give a fuck about it and try to understand how you feel, so just shut the fuck up, seriously......

Xoxo.

This is me.

2010-12-01T21:18:00.001+08:00

I'm noisy, cheerful and always laughing...

So you think you really know me?

Xoxo.

My Weakness

2010-11-19T01:34:00.002+08:00

I over think things, I care too much and I am too sensitive. All this is driving me crazy. I don't know whether should I be happy or should I be sad? Because people often say, what doesn't kill me makes me stronger. But the things that are happening are making me so hard to breath. I really don't know. Sometimes, I feel that my life has reach its limit. I really feel like dying. I know it's stupid, selfish and cowardly to have the thought of ending my own life. But sometimes, the things that are happen are really me pushing me to the edge. At the same time, I really hate myself for having such a selfish thought of dying. There is just so much things that I can't blog out or say it out. I don't have the habit of sharing my problems, probably because I don't want to let the whole world knows about what is excatly going on during this period of my life.... But things' gonna get better..... Right?

I just want to the people around me to feel happy and I'm happy.

Halloween and Esther's Day

2010-11-11T22:53:00.002+08:00

Been neglecting for blog for weeks, it's time to update a little.

Baking cookies, doing scratch board for Esther's bday. And plus a little STAGE pillow for her.
Just a little and simple gift for her. Hopefully she'll like it. No, she like it! hehehe.
Okay, Halloween this year was a new experience @ sentosa. Thanks to Wei Kang for bringing us in.
Meet up with my girls on nov 1st, heading to Ion, xin wang cafe for dinner.
As usual, sat at that place for few hours doing some catch up with one another.
Time flies, we are all growing older. Let's see if how many more birthdays can we celebrate tgt.

Sch starts ard 1 month plus alrdy. I feel so hopeless. I've learn nth so far.
I guess I need to get serious, it's my final semester alrdy. project, assignment and presentation are piling up.
I need to get started and stop slacking. Just 3 more months....

I will go to japan. I promise you.
No, not for holiday.

Bring my sister to one of the shoot and we came up doing all sorts of funny shoots.

Xoxo.

No way.

2010-10-22T23:35:00.001+08:00

I guess ppl just don't see how hard it is for me, to pretend that nothing ever happen, when there's a million diseased thoughts in my head, trying to force themselves out of my mouth that is refusing to open up and speak up. I. JUST. CAN'T. DO. IT. To bring myself to share out my exact and true feelings. Guess, it has become a habit. Maybe pretending has really become my strength to move on. I hate how I always screw things up. I hate that I can't control so many things in my life. I hate that my life sucks so much than other ppl's life. I hate that I always can't handle the stress. I hate that I'm such a coward. I hate that I can't bring myself to share my pains and trouble to ppl. What I hate the most is that, I hate myself for not being able to help, not being able to be a better daughter, sister and friend. I think I sucks. Alot. I really feel like crying now............ And I hate this me. Feeling so weak and useless..... I really wish that my life have appear offline button, so I can really hit on it and just fade away for a moment in life. I feel so sick of this cycle that is happening to me once every while..... I don't understand why am I feeling so negative always? Just. leave. me. alone..

A.

Help me like!!

2010-10-17T02:50:00.002+08:00

Hello ppl, Okay, help me like okay (;
Just click on the small FB icon on the left...
HAHAHAHA, can't believe I'm doing this -____-

Anyw, The link is here : http://www.camqueenoftheyear.com/profile.php?id=990
Much Love!! <3

Xoxo.

There's a hero lies in you.

2010-09-30T03:04:00.001+08:00

Love the whole song, totally.

There's a hero
If you look inside your heart
You don't have to be afraid
Of what you are
There's an answer
If you reach into your soul
And the sorrow that you know
Will melt away

Chorus
And then a hero comes along
With the strength to carry on
And you cast your fears aside
And you know you can survive
So when you feel like hope is gone
Look inside you and be strong
And you'll finally see the truth
That a hero lies in you

It's a long road
When you face the world alone
No one reaches out a hand
For you to hold
You can find love
If you search within yourself
And the emptiness you felt
Will disappear

Chorus

Lord knows
Dreams are hard to follow
But don't let anyone
Tear them away
Hold on
There will be tomorrow
In time
You'll find the way

Chorus

That a hero lies in you
Mmm, that a hero lies in you

Xoxo.

This explain why I'm always pretending..

2010-09-29T00:32:00.004+08:00

This is so close to my heart, so me....

Hahahaha, I just had a fucking breakdown just now..

It sucks so much that for the pass few weeks, I haven't got any news from my mum.

Every single time I open my mailbox, my heart sink, like broken into pieces and hard to breathe.

It makes me wonder, did somthng bad happen or my mum is disappointed with me?

All sorts of negative things float in my mind..... But today, I open my mailbox and it's finally here.

I dun knw, but the moment I saw the letter, I feel like crying... At least I knw mummy is safe and sound.

And that's rly all I asked for, news for her and knw that she is okay. Thank god...

Everytime I have a major breakdown, ppl ard me will be telling me to cheer up, dun think so much.

I rly thanks every single one of u that said those to me before. But you all knw that I won't be able to do it.

At least not fully cheer up or totally not think abt it. You all knw I just can't do it.

But I'm thankful for everyone that stand by me and hold on to me even when they knw nuts abt anything.

For those who knw, I thank you all even more. I think part of the reason I'm still here is bcuz of you ppl.

You all give me strength to move on and be strong. If not I rly think I'll go suicide.

I knw for ppl who knw me, I seems like a totally funny and crazy person..

With totally no link to someone who look like will think of suicide. Hahaha.

This is how ironic I'm, what inside and outside speaks totally different thing.

But well, not to worry, I'll nvr try to die becuz I promise my mum that I'll be her strong girl always....

Now I've found myself a reason thinking that crying is okay...

Because when I cry all my tears out, only then I'm be able to smile again..

So, look, I'm rly fine now. I still can say lame jokes and make ppl smile like how I always used to. Hehehe.

I love every single one of my friends and also definitely my mother!
I'll keep every single of my promise that I made to my mum.

Xoxo.

I'm only me.

2010-09-22T02:43:00.000+08:00

Xoxo.

Note to self:

2010-09-15T02:23:00.003+08:00

Honestly, I hate this major breakdown that will always happen to me once every few months. For fuck sake, I swear I fucking hate to cry. But my eyes couldn't hold it. I just did that thing that I hate the most. I've nvr ask for more, I nvr expect anything, I nvr hope for the best, I just hope that my life could be so much more peaceful. I work hard for what I want and I rly just wanna be a happy person, I want to have a normal life that everyone else is having too...... I want to be like other girls, like crying is rly okay. Why is all this things so hard for me? Every time I told myself, my life ain't that bad after all lah, I should learn to be happy... But then again, shit things will definitely happen. And it's like every single time! It's like I can't be happy. Do I rly don't deserve to be happy?

I'm rly tired of this huge responsibilities that is weighing on my shoulder. I'm always trying to make the ppl ard me happy, even if I force myself to do the things that I don't like, I just tell myself that, if the ppl ard me are happy, I'm happy too. But it seems like I always can't do it right, I try so hard to be better than myself, but ended up nth seems right? What can I do to ensure that everything I do can satisfy everyone? I rly wants to give up....... Can I rly give up? I'm like rly standing one a line between giving up and how much more I can take....

But I just can't give up. I just can't don't care. Because this is my responsibilities..... There's just so much more things that ppl doesn't know... If only crying rly solves everything....

Xoxo.

Virgin trip w friends.

2010-09-02T01:44:00.000+08:00

Back from Genting alr. Yes, Long ago... Just that I finally took the initiative to update this space here.

Really have so much fun at Genting w my 6nais & Xianggong(inside joke). hahaha.
Anyw, really love they all for that lil bday surprise they prepare for me. Next time give me some notice lah.
When I'm prepare to wash up then sudden attack... Make me look so ugly in all of the photos! hahaha.
Anyw, Love you all lots, really. I thought that nobody will rmb my bday or get me any cake.

And I really really thinks that the cake is very cute BUT it's way too expensive lor~ -.-
Okay, This year is not a v smooth and great year for me, but I hope that I can always be happy and carefree!

Hopefully, there will be more trips to come (:

And also thanks for everyone who wished me happybirthday :D

Thanks for the bday surprise! ♥♥

Xoxo.

August Photos.

2010-09-02T00:59:00.001+08:00

Pei Ni's Return.

Cotton On Gathering.

Xoxo.

Hiatus.

2010-08-25T00:31:00.000+08:00

Finally, a hiatus from all these shits that is happening ard me.
A mini getaway with my sec sch cliques later! Aiya, going Genting only lah.

Will be back on my bday! :D HEHEHEHE.

And then I'll see how, whether to go powerhouse on friday or not!
Okay, I need to go pack my stuffs alr.

To all my friends... Don't miss me too much! xD

Xoxo.

It's over.

2010-08-22T01:03:00.001+08:00

I AM FREEEE, MOTHERFUCKERS. HAHAHAHA. Okay, my IAP ended ytd.

I can't believe that 12 weeks just gone like that.Yes, I'm happy that everything is over..

But I hate that time changes so many things ard me. Most imptly, it's like constantly reminding me abt my mum.

I have no time to waste, sometimes I kinda envy those ppl who have a lot of free time..
I mean, how on earth did they have so much free time to nua and slack ard? I dun have such time.
Every minute and every second is very impt to me. A second wasted is like wasting my life.
I rather have a "tougher life" now, than next time when I old then have "tough life."

I think whatever I'm facing now, my life, is just so dramatic that sometimes, It's driving me insane.

Whatever, I'm gna make sure I have a better life next time than what I'm now lor.
If not, I'm just gna commit suicide and end my life. I'm not joking...

And yes, finally, I think that I deserve a break on this special month..

Yes, cuz even superman also need a break.

Xoxo.

#3467.

2010-08-11T23:33:00.001+08:00

Okay, some random photos w/ my little brother. hahahaha.

I'm v angry today. I think today is suayday.com!! And I swear I can't fucking wait for IAP to end.
Srsly, I rly think that my IAP doesn't have a freaking learning point!! ZERO LEARNING POINT!!

I mean my job is basically doing what... Filing? Photocopying? Scanning? It's jst some basic skill needed.

I mean who doesn't knw how to do all these? If you don't knw how, most prob you're a retard, I guess.

And the sch will tell us things like, IAP is for us to gain working experience... Ya, gain experience?

Right in the first place, no one will ever get such a "slack" job to work.. If rly have this kind of job...

Everyone would be fighting for it. Sitting at the office doing nth, yet getting pay.

And if there's rly this kind of job, you'll most prob forever stay in the same position, like a fucking failure!

Cuz whatever you do ppl also can't see your performance.

Honestly, I knw I shouldn't be complaining so much, but I rather want smth challenging for me rather than doing nth.

Or at least smth that is related to my course?

And I think if they rly want us to gain experience for our future working life... At least do some feedback..

Like, not everyone will wan to work as admin in the future. Let us do smth we have interest/passion in.
Rather than just dumping us to do whatver we dun like. Thankfully, my IAP is ending in like 1 week time.
I swear, if this is not related to sch, I'll not give a fuck at all. I hate being asked to do this do that.
I mean, can you imagine, they ask u to return things for them when its only like few tables away?

They can't go themself? What piss me off today is the data entries part. I'm doing data entires..

Then one of the ppl ask me to return smth to another person which is at few table away..
Like hello, you are fucking free to do it urself.. I have to key in those fucking-never-ending data entires.

Then what, this side told me the entires is urgent, tell me to do it ASAP.

Fwah, fuck this shit. This is why I hate admin work!

Xoxo.

What time is it?

2010-08-03T23:40:00.003+08:00

I wish that some people in my life would just cut the bullshit and be totally honest about something, just for once.

And honestly, I hate to give up. But sometimes, I get rly tired of trying and always being treated as an option in other's life. So, it's nearly time to give up. I have to let go, in order to be happy. I just can't fucking be bother anymore. Cuz everything happens for a reason. People change, so you can learn to let go. Things go wrong, so you can learn to appreciate it when it's right. People lie, so you eventually trust no one but yourself.

In this world, trust no one but yourself, be nice to ppl, but not too nice, because it doesn't pay to be nice to ppl... Afterall, people are all gonna hurt us and leave us one day.. So, I always built a 'wall' ard me and nvr let my guards down. And expect less, then you won't get disappoint and hurt too.

XOXO.

#566

2010-08-02T23:44:00.000+08:00

HAHAHAHA. KTHXBAI.

XOXO.

I tried so hard, I think I rly can't live a day without even feeling depress at all.

2010-07-26T22:56:00.001+08:00

Once in a while, even though I try to make myself forget abt the pain...
The darkness will still silently creep into me and make me feel miserable and suffocating.

To many, I may just look like one bimbo or ah lian or whatever they think of me..
But I couldn't be bother anymore, this time I'm too tired to care abt what others think of me.

Because my responsible is too huge.

I cannot disappoint my mother, I cannot let her down.

I must maintain everything in place and never let things fall apart.

I must be more sensitive and concern of every one's feeling.

I must not fall apart, I must not cry, no matter how hard things are.

I must always smile and not let ppl ard me worried abt me.

I must be strong, I must do it well.

Sometimes, I feel that I'm giving myself too much pressure...

But, this is all I can do now. I always believe that life is fair.

Everyone will get to taste the 'bitter and sweet' part of life.

And I believe mine will be the 'first bitter then sweet' life.

No matter how hard are things are right now,

No matter how many ppl truly understand what I'm going throught now..

If I can endure through this period of my life, nothing can bring me down.

Mum, I'll always, not matter what, do you proud.

Xoxo.

Random

2010-07-26T00:51:00.005+08:00

I miss all my old hairstyle...

My current hairstyle like not so nice leh....
Can my hair faster grow longer ):

Need to go slp alr. Look @ the time now!! HAHAHA.
Ahhh, fuck the cramps, I need some pink pills..
Kthxbai, Oh btw this is major killer: http://dirtybling.livejournal.com/14700.html#cutid1

Xoxo.

BACKSPACE.

2010-07-22T00:22:00.002+08:00

Life will break you. Nobody can protect you from that, and living alone won’t either. For solitude will also break you with its yearning. You have to love.You have to feel. It is the reason you are here on earth. You are here to risk your heart. You are here to be swallowed up. And when it happens that you are broken, or betrayed, or left, or hurt, or death brushes near.....

xoxo.

SATURDAY PLANS

2010-07-18T02:48:00.004+08:00

I cut my hair alr. No more this hair style liao. Hahaha, a bit shorter and it makes me seems more friendly. HAHA

AND TODAY, I went to town like finally after 3 months plus. WOW. I know very WOW :O

And I think I rly very good, I go town with my little bro and sis today... Cuz I wanna buy them some clothes.

And I spend like $200 on them lor! WTF. Amaze with myself also. But okay lah, first time I bring them out for shopping.

And I think spend $200 to buy things for them and make them happy, its worth it one. Hehehehe.

Nothing means more to me than my family and seeing them happy :D Okay lah, I knw very incredible for me saying this type of thing.

But I'm those kind of person that loves my family v much and will stand by them. I knw v hard to believe it. HAHAH, WHATEVER.

Anyw, so long nv step into town alr. And I hate going town on weekends! It's so fucking pack and crowded.

Last time I dun mind to squeeze ard with pple, now... I hate the crowd. Fucking hate like srsly.

SO HAPPY, NEXT MONDAY IS WEEK 8 OF MY IAP. TIMES FLIES.

4 MORE FREAKING WEEKS TO END MY IAP :D AND MY 2 MONTHS OF HOLIDAY.

WOOHOO. GNA CHIONG WORK AND NEED A GETAWAY TO RELAX FOR FEW DAYS.

HEHEHEH :D

Anyw, I'll try not to be so depress v much. TRY. Well, I knw... Quite hard for me now...
if you knw what I'm going through and what's going on in my life. But I'll try. Cuz I'm so good at faking. HAHAHA.

I've look through my photos... And I realise one thing, my smile is no longer the same.

Yes, things change but photos will nvr change. I dunno the change is a good thing or a bad thing.

But I only know changes help us to learn and grow stronger. This 1 year, I've learn so many things.

Disappoint by people many times and disappoint people too. But all I can say is, dun push me too hard.

I'm trying, always been. And it's tired living in what people expect you to be.

And sometimes, people expect so much from you that you can give to them. Then you fail to be what they expect you to be..

Then it'll be ur fault for not being up to expectation. Or maybe sometimes I push myself so much to be up to expectation.

Whichever way it is, I'm always trying my best.. I rly hope that everyone ard me can be happy and smiling always.

I don't mind being sad and tired. Because I'm used to being tired and sad, and I knw it is a lousy feeling.

So much of everything and trying, end of the day, we're all just looking forward to the words that we want to hear.

Like a simple, Thank you can also makes people feel better. But at the same times, some words that ppl blurt out bluntly can also leave a deep scars in our heart.

End of the day, life is just not that easy as what people always say.

And my life is rly not what you think you'll unds.... So I rly wish that some ppl could just stop pretending that they unds me so well, cuz you rly dun unds me at all.

Xoxo.

Some photos

2010-07-13T22:28:00.002+08:00

Nothing to update, so just view photos will do.

Some party photos and flea photos taken with yeemin and yeeleng.

OH YEA, BEFORE I END... VISIT DIRTYBLING'S NEW COLLECTION NOW :D

Xoxo.

My life

2010-07-13T22:06:00.001+08:00

This is so my life right now.. Hahahaha. Seems pretty boring eh. Yups, it's boring..

Xoxo.

If only.

2010-07-01T23:56:00.004+08:00

If only.......

But we all know that it's impossible.

Often we find ourselves moving on, but wanting to go backwards in time. We find comfort in what we've done in the past, and although we're enjoying the present, we can't stop thinking about how amazing the past was and how much we'd give to be able to go back. We want to make the best of now, but we just can't seem to let go of the past. I guess looking back on the past is okay, but we should never live in the past. Always make the best of today, because someday, today will become part of your past too.

xoxo.

COTTON ON BABIES.

2010-07-01T23:08:00.002+08:00

My life cycle - Sleep, wake up, work, eat, use comp, sleep.

I want to watch movie, I want to go shopping before GSS ends!!
Arghs, I don't have time....... and friends that can accompany me ):

I feel like I'm leading a life like a major lao-char-bor lor. SIGHZ.

KTHXBAI.

My Cotton On family!

Working has nvr been so fun before in my life. hehehe.
Okay, but still, if I can don't need to work will be the best lah.

xoxo

I want to be happy.

2010-06-21T22:43:00.001+08:00

20 things I give myself permission for:

I give myself permission to rest.
I give myself permission to laugh.
I give myself permission to play.
I give myself permission to make mistake.
I give myself permission to say "no" to demands on my time that are simply draining.
I give myself permission to say "yes" to what I want.
I give myself permission to be who I am.
I give myself permission to try again.
I give myself permission to have fun.
I give myself permission to be imperfect.
I give myself permission to ask for help.
I give myself permission to create.
I give myself permission to ask for what I want.
I give myself permission to cry.
I give myself permission to design my own life.
I give myself permission to learn.
I give myself permission to ignore naysayers.
I give myself permission to stay focus on what is important to me.
I give myself permission to be whatever body shape I like.
I give myself permission to be crazy.

Xoxo,

Fighting.

2010-06-13T01:29:00.003+08:00

I've got so much to say, but I don't feel like blogging out.
Saying too much or letting ppl unds you too much make me feels like I'm so "naked" infront of them.
Cuz the more ppl know abt you, the more ways they can get to hurt you.

Trust me, if feelings can be control and choose. I'm definitely the happiest girl alive.
I really hate to feel very depress and sad, but sadly, most of the time I'm feeling this way.
I'm the space that is between insane and insecure.
I'm standing on a thin line that is between giving up and seeing how much I can take.

I feel like I'm being push to an edge and there's no more space for me to move or breathe.
So, tell me why must things always try so hard to bring me down when I'm trying my best to be happy?
Why, just that you think your life is getting better, yet something hits you so hard?
Why, must things push me to dead end?
So, they wanna see me die?

Sad to say, not so soon..
I'm gna show the world that I'm unbeatable.

Xoxo, Arena.L

DO YOU STILL KNOW ME?

2010-06-10T23:09:00.001+08:00

IF..

If I died tonight, how many people would care? How many people would know? How many people would moan and wish they had me back? How many people would regret being assholes? How many people would wish they loved me more? How many people would wish they loved me less?

Week 2 of my IAP, seems like I super long nvr rly update my blog. Ya, if you can get what I mean.
FYP ended like 2 weeks ago, GSS started, my IAP started too. I began to see and learn so much abt life.

It's simple, everyone lie and everyone changed. People we know become ppl we knew.

It's ironic that people always like to say things and do things differently. People bitch abt one another.

Yet act like nth happen. Yes, everybody is like that. Just that nobody is brave enough to admit it. I'm one of them.

Then I've learn that as I grow older, innocent become more and more far away from me.
Friends getting lesser and lesser each year. Problems getting more and more everyday.

People getting more and more fake. Time shows us how much things have changed.

I'm tired. Very tired. My mind and my heart is worn out..

I'm still the same, trying very hard to struggle my life between friends, family, myself and work.

Trying to find a balance point in the middle of all this. Trying to balance up my emotions too.

Trying not to be too emotional and dramatic. But it's hard for me not to feel depress even for a day.. HAHA.

Well, my life is boring, Monday to Friday - IAP from 830 to 6. Then weekends working at cotton on.
This is my life. I barely have time to meet my friends and I don't have time to shop. No time to relax too.

And the only time I have is only night, but then again, I don't want to club my entire youth away.

Despite trying so hard, something out there nvr fails me pull me down? Maybe this is life.
There's just too much to learn, never ending. No matter what, there's no end. Everything is a cycle.

I trying so much and so hard, but still my father would nvr understand. I feel so upset.
You know the feeling when you try so hard and one word from ur parents and it totally knock you down?

I'm that type of person who sees family more than anything else, I'm not angry neither do I hate my family.

Yes, I might complain and whine abt my family, but w/o them, there won't be me.

So, a little bit of reprimand from them makes me feel very very vulnerable and makes me wna cry..

And I rly hate that how can they make me feel like I'm so useless? Like Everything I do, is wrong.

I'm not someone that cry easily, but words come out from parents mouth have the power to make me cry.

Maybe I'm still useless after all... But one day, I'll prove it to my parents that I'm not useless!

Everything happens for a reason.. So I believe it's worth it.. Everything is worth it.
Cuz, one day, when I look back, I will realised that all this thing have strengthen me and make me stronger!

Xoxo, Arena.L

SLEEP.

2010-06-08T23:53:00.000+08:00

SLEEP.
Nights, Sweet dreams.

Xoxo, Arena.L

TIME

2010-06-07T23:00:00.001+08:00

You wouldn't feel pain when you're happy, you'll never know you're tired when you are with people who makes you happy, you wouldn't know what you're doing is wrong because it makes you happy.

You break down and realize everything when you're alone.

Very much true?

Xoxo, Arena.L

Because sometimes people do actually feel that way

2010-06-05T00:48:00.002+08:00

Sometimes your life feels like it's caving in on you. 

Somtimes people really do feel like they don't want to exist,

 like they want to just curl up in a ball, 

and go into that place between life and death. 

Saying "I don't want to exist" isn't saying "I want to go die".

 It's saying "I wish that, for the time being, I could go somewhere and not have to feel". 

I don't think there's anything wrong with that. 

And if you don't know how it feels to feel this way, 

then you have no place to judge anyone who does.

Xoxo, Arena.L

Just smile.

2010-06-02T23:15:00.000+08:00

The people who laugh the hardest are the one who experience too much pain. Most of the time we can't tell what's wrong just by looking. After all, they can look perfectly fine on the outside, while their inside tell a while other story. Who will look and really try to understand you?

Recently, too many ppl are telling me not to emo.. Actually, I'm not emo. I'm just trying to pour out all my emotions by blogging. At least after blogging I feel so much better. Maybe I'm really going crazy? Maybe I just need some space. I don't know. All I know is, here it's the only place where I can express my emotions freely. In real life, I've trying to maintain this cheerful and crazy image so that I won't affect my friends. I'll always hang a smile infront of ppl. So, no matter what, I'll just smile and stay strong. Everytime after receiving that letter, it's like restoring my strength bar. So, no matter what happen, you all don't have to worry abt me. I'll be fine, all I need is time..

Xoxo, Arena.L

Breathless

2010-06-02T21:13:00.007+08:00

One of the most crazy night, with my sec sch cliques.

Almost all was knockout. Hahahaha.

Btw, my fyp ended alr. And yes, with a long weekend, it means time to party.

Xoxo,

Arena.L

What makes me happy?

2010-05-25T23:49:00.001+08:00

I need LZX's handsome face to balance up my emotions level of happiness and saddness.
Yes, the hype is still there! & I've concluded, other than shopping, gossiping and chocolates..
seeing LZX's handsome face can makes me happy too.

Kthxbai. And, FUCK FYP.

Xoxo,
Arena.L

Stop it....

2010-05-15T00:44:00.002+08:00

I've tried so much to be 'bulletproof' and only to realise that words can simply bring you down and my 'bulletproof' can't withstand words.

In my entire life, from young till now, most of my friends are guys. I seldom have girls friends, maybe because I'm rough and don't behave like a girl? Or simply because I'm just plain too detestable. So ppl will eventually label me as a flirt, who only know how to flirt with guys. So they hate me, but I don't get it. They hate me because of what? I'm not prettier than them neither am I smarter than them. Their studies and looks win me in everything.. Yea, maybe I just sucks so much that everyone seems to hate Me so much? It's my fault for not have enough girls friend to make me seems like a flirt? It's not like I like it to have more guys friend. To be honest, they don't even know how much I feels to always be mistaken by ppl. Since young I'm being brought up by my mother, she taught me to be independent. So I'm more independent compare to other girls, I'm more tough and I never cry easily. This is me. Maybe too much life experience cause me to be like this too... So eventually, ppl thinks that the stronger one is always the one bullying ppl. So me being the stronger one, no matter what I do, ppl just think it's my fault or is I bully ppl. So just No matter what I do, ppl just won't believe me. So the stronger one always tend to lose out. This is my life. But I nvr blame on my life, I just hope that when I grow up life can treat me better. I'm getting too tired, that's why I'm so affected by some little things that ppl said to me. This is so not me... Guess too much things is happening, I don't know how long more can I still hold on to my smile before a major breakdown occurs... Tonight, just leave me alone...

Xoxo, Arena.L

Don't judge me.

2010-05-13T23:03:00.005+08:00

Don't hate me because I am not who you think I am.

Hate me because I have wonderful people in my life.
Not a lot, but at least I have a friend who nvr gives up one me, no matter what happen.
And right from the start, people never really take the time to know the real me.

Some people just have no idea how hard am I struggling in my life. A lot of times, seeing those youngster suicide's news make me feel that life is so fragile. If only, death will end all the problems and trouble.. Then I think I will go die too. But, I think that it will cause more trouble, I have too much things to worry abt and can't let go. Sometimes, I rly hate my habit of bottling things up. But at the same time, I hate to share my problems with ppl. I don't want to bother them with my problems and I hate to let ppl know too much things abt me. So, often ppl only know the 'what-I-choose-to-show-out-to-ppl' side of me, not a lot know the real me. I want to be happy always, but that's also the hardest thing to achieve. No matter how sad I am, I still hate to cry, esp in front of ppl. Not a lot ppl have seen me crying in front of them, even if I want to cry, I'll hide in a place where no one can see me. I don't know why am I blogging all this, perhaps I just need a space to rant out all my feelings and thoughts. I wish I could go back to when I'm 5 years old, no troubles, no problem and no stress and all we could do is to play and sleep. I hate this kind of life where people just come to you when you have an advantage to them. Maybe I see things too impt, some things ain't worth for me to fight for, and some things are. The harder I try, the harder I fall. Too much disappointment. And honesty, I'm kinda scare to treat ppl too well and trust ppl alr, I don't want to end up being hurt. I'm tired of trying to fix everything that don't deserve for me to waste my energy and effort on. Time and time again, it's time that prove so many things right.

Do you think it's easy to be me? Have you ever try waking up early in the morning for school and after that go to work, 1 week only have 1 or 2 off days but it ain't really an off day. Maybe just after school, don't need to go work. And both weekends are working. Try it and tell me how does that feel? It's not a easy thing to maintain, esp when you see the ppl ard you can go hanging out with their friends, but you don't have any time for all this? Ppl say your friends will understand it, but how many of them actually understand it? They will just blame you for not meeting them and eventually end up drifting apart. It's so true that when shits happen, you know who are your real friends and who are not. A lot of times, I just fucking feel like giving it all up on working so hard, but giving up ain't as easy as it seems. I don't have the courage to give it up. Just too much things is making me so hard to breathe. My life is so happening sometimes that I don't know whether should I be happy or not? Because I know that if I can overcome all this, life will definitely gets better, because nothing is forever. And I rly hope that my dear mind can don't think so much sometimes, then I won't feel so fucked up. How I wish everything can remains the same, but the only thing that is constant is changes. Changes, I'm not afraid of it, I'm only afraid of time. Bacause time has show me too much cruel truth about life and ppl...

Okay, after typing all this, I feel so much better. I'm still the loud and noisy girl that everyone knows! Because I'm unstoppable. And I guess just it's better off this way, be tough and strong so that ppl won't want to come near me than they won't have the chance to hurt me. Then again, some ppl will think that I'm depress because of some BGR issue. Fuck you if you think that. I'm still trying hard to figure out this thing called life, I'm always trying to make others happy and myself too. Cuz I know and understand it doesn't feel good to be upset/sad....

And, THANK YOU ESTHER, FOR ALWAYS BEING THERE FOR ME.
You're like a gift from heaven too (: Love ya.

Xoxo, Arena.L

I wish I could go japan and hug my mum. I swear I miss her like fuck.

HAHAHAHA.

2010-05-13T21:57:00.001+08:00

All the nonsense things in school. Hahahaha.

Yes, this is how I look in school, zero-make up with spec.

Taken with the TKGs.

Taken with my FYP labmates.

Whoever says my eyes is small, scroll down and see.... MY EYES IS BIG ONE HOR.

Xoxo, Arena.L

Maturity is not about your age, it's about how you handle things in your life.

2010-05-05T14:23:00.000+08:00

Maybe some people can understand how I feel, but not everyone can understand excatly how am I feeling.

I'm trying v hard, trying my best, trying all my means to maintain everything in position.

And it's not wrong for me to feel depressed or sad. If anyone truly understand the position I'm in now..

K, nothing is forever, nothing is permanent, one day things will definitely turn better.

So right now, I need someone who rly won't give up on me.

JUST.KEEP.ON.SMILING....

Xoxo, Arena L

A moment of solitude.

2010-04-18T02:09:00.001+08:00

I hope someone else could be me for a day, and you'll know how it feels to be in my shoe.
I just wanna close my eyes from the things that bothers me..

Will things be okay? Maybe, I don't know too. Sometimes, I really hope ppl stop asking me to cheer up or don't emo. It's not like I can choose whether I want to be upset or happy right? If can choose I want to be happy forever, free from all troubles and problems. And I'm not emo, I'm just being me, the me, when I'm alone, stay away from human beings. Cuz it takes up a lot of energy to fake that powerful smile and joke ard with people. I always thought that I'm invicible, I'm strong. But I didn't know that when things happen, it strike me so hard that I didn't know what to do. I feel so lost, I wish I have the power to turn time back to 1 year ago. I have so much to say, but I don't know how to blog it out. I typed, I erased, I edit... Just so hard to pour out what my current feeling now is.

I really hate myself for being such a letdown, I can't do things right, I always screw things up. Yea, try to hard yet the outcome of everything turn worst? Am I really that lousy or others are expecting too much from me. I'm not super human, I can't be perfect, I can't do whatever ppl expect me to.. I just hate the feeling of letting people down, and it feels like you can't do things right. I hate my mind. I spend too much time thinking too much. I hate how little things can affect me and make me feel so down. I feels so sucky. I have so much things that people don't know. Ppl just don't know how much things is behind this smile of mine. I party like I'm so happy, but truth is, I'm not happy. I keep too much things to myself, till I don't know who am I anymore..

& Please don't expect too much from me....

Luvs.

Let's soar up, fly high.

2010-04-15T23:10:00.003+08:00

So pretty isn't it?

So sick of life, everytime when I thought things are getting back in track, then boomz. Shits happen again.

So, How am I suppose to stay bulletproof when it's not bullet that shoots me but bombs instead.

I feel that there ain't much space for me to breathe. Slow it down, if not I wish to get off this world.

So much problems and troubles. And majority of it is cause by my fucking own thinking and my father.

Seriously tired of all this, this is never-ending. I thought of making myself drunk dead in the world of alcohol...

But if I do that it would make me look like an idiot only, and doesn't help much instead adding oil to the fire.

After partying for weeks...I think I need to stop running away from all the shits, and time to face it all.

Arena, you can do it. Stay cool, stay strong. And smile...

Luvs.

A day with my BBG.

2010-04-15T22:51:00.000+08:00

Week 6 of FYP.....
Was fucking nervous over my presentation, cuz the first person went in to present...
came out and told the class that the lecturer fucked him upside down. Shoot him with ques like free flow.
So, it makes me super nervous, but amazingly, I present alr, the lecturer didn't ask me any single qns.
I dunno whether shld I be happy or not, cuz I'm the only one he didn't ask qns. God bless me much.
Whatever, another 6 more weeks and then my attachment starts..... ):

Presentation for my FYP.. So, this explain why I wear kinda formal in the picture.
Anyw, been super duper ultra omega long since I last meet up with giangian alr lor!!!
Hahaha, meet up with them ytd, went to town to have our dinner tgt and snap photos after that.
Times flies, we know each other since sec 1 till now. Incredible much. We know each other for like 6 year!
Okay, I know 6 years ain't long lah, but it's not short either.... HAHAHA.
Hope that we'll all do some catch up again real soon alright. Love you girls ♥

Luvs.

Amazing April.

2010-04-15T21:43:00.001+08:00

Supafly @ Powerhouse (10/04/2010)

Ladies night @ Powerhouse (7/04/2010)

Luvs.

Types of love.

2010-04-07T13:02:00.000+08:00

Infatuation: Loving feelings towards a love object that are largely based upon fantasy and idealization (instead of experience). Often when partners get to know each other, infatuation diminishes.

Romantic Love: An abiding love for a partner with whom you feel passion, attraction, caring and respect.

Eros: A passionate love usually involving sexual feelings for a love interest.

Companionate Love: Feelings of warmth towards a friend with whom you love to spend time with.

Unconditional Love: A type of affection and caring that is so strong that you feel it consistently, regardless of what that other person does.

Conditional Love: A love that requires specific action or conditions in order to be maintained. For example, at its extreme, a parent who gives very conditional love would only love his child when he gets straight A’s, becomes a surgeon and has two children. The love is based on outside conditions and when they do not occur, the love is withdrawn.

Puppy Love: A childish, innocent temporary crush on someone that you don’t know well.

Maternal Love: This term usually connotes love that is nurturing, accepting and protective. In actuality this love can also be given by a father etc.

Paternal Love: This term connotes love that involves guidance and some authority. Paternal love usually
prepares a child to be ready for the outside world. Again, in reality this type of love is not gender specific.

Soulmate Love: This type of love is described as a love that has survived multiple life times. Not everyone believes in this concept.

Spiritual/Divine Love: This type of love recognizes the Divine light in everyone and everything. Love is given to everyone as an act of loving God.

Love of your country or patriotism: This is love for the place you live or the place that were born. It is a type of loyalty and a special feeling of belonging that you attribute to that specific geographic location.

Self-Love: This is a positive feeling that you have about who you are and what you deserve. It often is expressed by treating yourself well, respecting yourself, wanting yourself to be happy and expecting others to respect you too.

Brotherly Love: This term connotes having a feeling of love for your neighbor, because all humanity is considered to be part of a larger family of human beings.

Tough Love: This term is used to describe a love that is expressed by setting boundaries for the good of the other person. So for example, a parent may send their teenager to rehab if he is drug addicted, even if he does not want to go. They feel that this is an act of love because it stems from a desire for their son’s ultimate good and happiness. This type of love is described as a love that has survived multiple life times. Not everyone believes in this concept.

Luvs.

About me.

2010-04-03T21:22:00.003+08:00

Saw this on esther's blog and decided to do this too. Cuz I'm kinda bored. HAHA

State 25 things about yourself! & tag your friends to answer the question too.

I am Arena. Yes, it's my real name.
My birthday is on 27th august.
I have fetish for fair/white guys. They are so cutez! ♥
I love money. Admit it, everyone loves money.
I hate to cry cuz crying indicate weakness.
I love to club.
I love LZX and TOP ♥♥♥
I want to be happy.
I'm very very sensitive.
I think a lot and I mean really think a lot.
I get paranoid easily.
I love my family & my bff ♥
I like to bully dordor!! HAHAH
I love to gossip and bitch with Esther! ♥
I hate people who are stupid.
I judge people but I hate people judging me. Well, everyone do that, right?
I don't have a lot of friends, just a few close one.
I don't have the habit of saving money.
Bags/clothes/shoes is never enough for me.
I hate guys who sweet talks.
I secretly hope that DB can be more famous then ***
I want to be prettier!
I never believe in love.
I have no confidence about my everything.
I hate restriction, being controlled and being nag at.

Well. Can I tag...
Xanthe Chow Yee Leng and Gian Yee Ming :D

Luvs.

Questions?

2010-04-03T19:22:00.002+08:00

This is kinda interesting.. Try asking me some question (;
p/s: May or may not reply depends on the question you're asking.

&lt;p&gt;&amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;p&amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;p&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;p&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;p&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;a href="http://www.formspring.me/xnxy"&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;http://www.formspring.me/xnxy&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;/a&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;/p&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;/p&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;/p&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;&amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;/p&amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;&lt;/p&gt;

visit: http://www.formspring.me/xnxy to see my replies (:

Peoples.

2010-04-01T10:12:00.001+08:00

The reason I love Partying is because only by partying, I can forget all my troubles and stress away. But this is not good. I can't possible be clubbing my life away right? If only life is so easy.. Party all night, and sleep all day, and throw all our problems away, our lifes will be so easy! Hahaha. If onlyyyy.

Anyw, last week went to powerhouse on both fri and sat! Sat was totally a blast, super big grp and everyone was damn high! They attempt to strip Kai 3 times on the dancefloor~ Lolz. And I still rmb I kissed Hui Jun and rebecca!! Hahaha. Super high like mad. But Supafly always so pack like sardine one. But still I love supafly :P

Party photos.

Luvs.

Happy birthday dordor

2010-03-26T00:27:00.003+08:00

HAPPY BIRTHDAY DORDOR~~ [24/03]

p/s: Thanks for showing us ur (.)(.) HAHAHA X:

Luvs.

THIS IS MAJOR ORGASM.

2010-03-26T00:18:00.001+08:00

THIS IS MAJOR ORGASM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ♥♥♥♥♥♥

I've got my luoluo's concert tix and his pre-order album WITH SIGNATURE HOR!

Album - credit to CAT!!! Thanks for helping us to get it :D

p/s: I'm like a happy girl naows!

Luvs.

Same place, different days.

2010-03-26T00:00:00.004+08:00

Party photos with my party people @ Powerhouse.
Same place, different days.

All my party people ♥

Luv.

"I don't know."

2010-03-15T21:07:00.003+08:00

Do you ever get that feeling where you don't want to talk to anybody? You don't want to smile and you don't want to fake being happy. But at the same time you don't know exactly what's wrong either. There isn't a way to explain it to someone who doesn't really understand. If you could want anything in the world it would be to be alone. People have stopped being comforting and being along never was so great. At least when you're alone no one will constantly ask you what is wrong and there isn't anyone who won't take 'I don't know' for an answer. You feel the way you do just because, you hope the feeling will pass soon and that you will be able to be yourself again, but until then all you can do is wait. Meanwhile, I will put on that fake smile and laugh so hard till I can barely breathe, even though all I want to do is cry.

Luvs.

Let's fight for this..

2010-03-09T23:22:00.000+08:00

Sometimes we fight too hard, till we tend to forget what exactly we're fighting for...

Screw me, I've got no life all the way till sept. If you're follow me on twitter or FB, you'll know why.

Thanks to lovely FYP, mon to thurs 8:30am till 6pm. Then what? Fri ends earlier. Know how early? 30 mins earlier only. Yes, so friday is 8:30am to 5:30pm. How cool is that. Hahaha. Blame it on my luck. Kena FYP first. PLANS ALL RUINED!! And the best thing is the grouping thingy. I got grouped with a group ECC student. I don't even know them at all. So I think my FYP is screw. And I guess my complaining abt FYP won't stop till things get better. HAHAHA. Yes, this is me. I love to complain complain and complain. But srsly, can you stand this? Being put into a room and you're the only chinese girl in the lab and only know 1 ppl in the whole grp and seeing everyone talking happily and you're emoing away. And best thing is the 1st day of FYP is a living torture. Idk what are we suppose to do and our supervisor basically just throw us in the lab and ask us read the lecture notes?! Like hello, I don't even know what's the module abt, can't even unds. So I stare at the comp for 8 hour st8, can't slp, can't talk to ppl cuz idk them and can't use the net. Today ain't any better too. If this bullshit goes on, I think my life span will be shorter by 2 years. I mean the 10 hours I spend in sch, I could do so many other things. E.g, slp longer, go shopping, or even work. Rather than rotting my life away in the lab. Okay, maybe it's just starting, after this hope will have more things to do. Then you see... I'll be complaining that too stress and wtv bullshit. HAHAHA. X:

kthxbai. I need to slp earlier. If not I'll turn into a zombie with eyes popping out alr. blah~

Luvs.

felt so wrong, felt so right.

2010-03-07T21:32:00.004+08:00

My pure face, w/o make up. Like so long nvr take pic w/ my naked face since sec sch, I think? Anyw, My hair long alr, can tie alr~ HAHAHA.

Just ended my year 2 in NYP. And starting my FYP soon. Like blah, I dunno why I kena FYP first also. My last paper ends at 2 march and FYP briefing starts tmr. Arghs, I hope my FYP can start like next week lor. But heard my friends told me that start immed after briefing. Sighs, damn sian. I still plan my holiday swee swee, to spam work and club only ): But now dun think can alr. Sighhhhh.

Anyw, I'm kinda getting sick going to PH alr~ Maybe cuz I went PH like 2 times this week or what. Idk leh. Went to PH ladies night on wed, saw hell lots of ppl there! hahaha, maybe cuz exam over alr, saw quite a lot of NYPian there too. Saw Eugene there. Haha, glad that he still rmb me. Well, then heard from him that he's also another victim same as gerald.Wonder how many other more ppl is the victim also. Lol. Anyhow. Saw roy there also! Hahah, he and my brother supa look alike sia! And I saw Sheryl and kelly there!!!! Omfg, been ages since I last saw them! But they went off ard 3 plus.Thanks to gerald for accompanying me whole night, cuz Joyce and samantha couldn't make it so I'm the only girl that day :/ But still thanks to gerald, if not I'll be emo-ing the whole night.

Friday went down also, but didn't take any pics cuz I left my camera inside my bag. Friday's powerhouse was not as fun. But I love the crowd thou, not very pack and got space to dance and move ard. Hahaha, but the music wasn't that great. They like cut the song halfway one. I mean, maybe I'm used to Kzee's style of music. Hahaha. blah. AND, I RLY THINK THAT PH NEED TO BUY MORE CUPS! -.- Kthxbai.

below's wednesday's pic (:

p/s: I rly couldn't fucking stand my hair alr. Arghhhh! H8 this length, cuz this length very hard to maintain!!! :/ I'm thinking to grow back long hair but many ppl told me that short hair look nicer on me. So hard to decide~

p/s/s: I want to have nice st8 teeth like Jerry~ I wna go put braces and whitening my teeth!! But ppl all scold me siao, cuz all say my teeth very st8 and nice alr

Luvs.

Things that keep life moving..

2010-03-01T13:48:00.001+08:00

Last thurday went to watch 4 movies in a day. Xanthe join us for the 2nd movie then she went off. HEHE.

Spend my day watching movies with Esther. Really amazing that we catch 4 shows in a day. HAHAHA.

What to do, when both of us is feeling depress so must do crazy things to remind us that life ain't that bad too.
Anyw, part of the reason is also bcuz we are all so busy, don't rly have time for movie, so just go for marathon.

No retail therapy, movie therapy also buay paiz. HEHE.

Btw, I think 'Dear John' was okay only. Quite average.

Luv.

Whatever,

2010-02-24T01:00:00.002+08:00

You know the feeling of being so tired of explaining things over and over agn that you just feel like shutting down from everything ard you. No more hard feelings, no more emotions. Yes, I'm so tired of explaining why. And if you're smart enough to know, things ain't very fine and I'm holding everything back and hiding everything with a smile. I just want to feel sad/depress, (try to) cry my heart out maybe. Ha.

Luvs.

Champange red lights

2010-02-21T01:25:00.002+08:00

* Pictures post, please wait for the pic to be loaded. *

The long holiday break is over, time to get back to work.
Since, last friday, I've been drinking and partying almost every night.
I swear almost everyday, either go SABAISABAI or PH.
Drink for almost 7 days straight, I think I've phobia of martell alr.
Like, trying so hard to get drunk only. Ha.
Anyw, this year CNY was not that bad, for me.
At least my angpows money is better than last year.

Anyw, ytd was PH 3rd year anni. Went there with my party people!
The party was great, but it ended quite early.

Since last friday till ytd.
CNY & partying pictures for ya'll (;

>

I have so many things to say,
but I don't know where and how to start.

Luvs.

Dear life.

2010-02-12T18:54:00.003+08:00

Come honey, let's all forget our troubles and get drunk tonight.
Sometimes, life can be so screw up.

Luvs.

#121345 - thinking of you

2010-02-10T00:06:00.003+08:00

If only fortune cookies were real......
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo.

Luvs.

Just a little..

2010-02-09T01:40:00.001+08:00

Fucking busy ttm. Cuz I'm working now. Very tired ttm only, I think I'll die there one day. LOL.

Anyw, last fri went to town with KNS. Hahaha. Watch the movie "I hate valentine's day".
I think the movie is so true. I mean my character is so alike the main character in the show.
So hard to trust love when you see someone you love deeply give love a bad name..
Ha, Watch the show and you'll know what I mean (;

Saturday, my first day of work. Very tired. But after work still go supafly -.-
End work at 8 and then go bishan wait for samantha to end work and go her house.
Then joyce came to her house and we go down PH tgt. Reach there at 2am plus.
Saw alot of merlions alrdy. Saw alot of ppl that day also. Like the whole stage is YCKss ppl sia.
So long nvr go club with samantha alrdy.. Awwwws. Miss those last time clubbing days.
HAHAHA, anyw, we've got quite a num of PH 3rd year anni invitations card X:
Blah, I think I'm going bed soon.. Since last fri, I have been slping for like less than 5 hours everyday.
I really think my complex going to cui liaos. FML.
nights.

& oh, did I mention, we took a pic with Kzee! :D hahaha. Happy like what only.
Supafly pic :D

Friday's picture with KNS (: hahahha

Luvs.

Which one?

2010-02-04T21:44:00.004+08:00

I live with a heart, I'm realist.
Yes, I'm a realist person. So, I will disappoint you.
Because, I am everything you wish I wasn't and nothing you wish I am.

Luvs.

CNY Shopping?

2010-02-04T00:11:00.005+08:00

DirtyBling Collection 5
(CLICK PIC TO ENTER SITE)
** HEY BABIES, JOIN MAILING LIST FOR FREE POSTAGE (: **

Luvs.

Ignorance.

2010-02-03T02:08:00.000+08:00

BUSY LIKE MAD ONLY. I've been slping less then 6 hours this few days.
Supa tired ttm only. I think my dark eye circle is cui ttm already.
This whole of feb is total maddness for me, test/exam. Stress ttm.
Can't wait for the arrival of march. Heheheh. March = holiday + party time.
Kthxbai.

Luvs.

Powerhouse.

2010-02-03T01:45:00.003+08:00

Last saturday pic.
Went to PH like after so long. Hahah.
Saw fioan there!! So long never see her ardy :D
Went there with my usual girls and joyce came too :D

Note.

2010-01-28T23:12:00.001+08:00

I can take the rain on the roof of this empty house
That don't bother me
I can take a few tears now and then and just let them out
I'm not afraid to cry every once in a while
Even though going on with you gone still upsets me
There are days every now and again I pretend I'm ok
But that's not what gets me

What hurts the most
Was being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was tryin' to do

It's hard to deal with the pain of losing you everywhere I go
But I'm doin' It
It's hard to force that smile when I see our old friends and I'm alone
Still Harder
Getting up, getting dressed, livin' with this regret
But I know if I could do it over
I would trade give away all the words that I saved in my heart
That I left unspoken

What hurts the most
Is being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was trying to do

What hurts the most
Is being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was trying to do

Not seeing that loving you
That's what I was trying to do
Ooohhh....

I wish...

2010-01-28T01:58:00.004+08:00

Pple who know me all know I'm fair/white ardy.
But I still wish I can be this fair/white. Hahahaha. (Y)
I don't know why, but I luv fair/white skin pple.
To me, I think fair/white pple seems cleaner.

My sunblock is finishing, I should go stock up more sunblock ardy.
kthxbai.
Luvs.

Boring life.

2010-01-26T01:13:00.005+08:00

Don't ever enter my life, cuz my life is boring.
If you can't stand boring life, get the fucking hell off my sight.
THIS IS LIFE. TAKE IT OR LEAVE IT. YOU GOTTA KNOW THIS.
Not everything will go according to your wish <:

Luvs.

Sometimes... but...

2010-01-22T00:19:00.005+08:00

Sometimes, I feel that no one cares. Sometimes, I feel that no one is there. Sometimes, I feel like I'm alone. Sometimes, I feel like I need help. Sometimes, I wish that I could die. Sometimes, I think the world should end. Sometimes, I think I have no friends. Sometimes, I feel so insecure. Sometimes, I feel like I'm in an empty zone. Sometimes I want to make them see that sometimes I wish I wasn't me...

But most of the time, I still wish I am me. Because I am me, I got the chance to learn and experience many things in life that not everyone can go through... Because I'm only me. That is all I can be. No more, no less, just me. I love, I live, I laugh, I cry. Some days I'm funny, some days I'm not. Some days I'm hyper and I can't stop. You may not like me, but that's okay because this is me and how I'll stay (:

Luvs.

One of the saturday..

2010-01-19T22:30:00.002+08:00

Lets hope that this time, we can really work it out.

one of the sat night, with xanthe and friends.

Will be back agn.

Weird.

2010-01-16T16:07:00.000+08:00

Sometimes the best person to talk to is your teddy bear.

DB - Collection 4

2010-01-14T21:42:00.012+08:00

HELLO BABIES,
CLICK ON THE PIC TO ENTER THE SITE! (:
All babies who join mailing list gets free normal postage! (;

Ciaos.

Smile?

2010-01-12T23:58:00.004+08:00

First time posting my dark colour hair photos. Naked face, no make-up. look like some small kid.
Anyw is taken quite some time ago ardy, with my lil brother.

My life's pretty busy lately. Trying very hard to plan my time properly.
Just another 1 month plus will be exams already, then holiday.
This few weeks will be busy like hell, with all the projs deadline nearing, and tests.
Time to adjust back to school mood alrdy liaozx.
I hate stress. Cuz, I'm so easily stress up. Hate it v much.

sighs.... CNY coming.. I don't really like CNY.
Don't ask why, just don't like. Esp, this year )':
sighs...... I'm so scare.....

Ciaos.

PEACE, BABY

2010-01-11T00:30:00.005+08:00

Peace. Yes, peace baby. I need some peace in my mind.

p/s: I just need a place to pour my rantings, thats all. Afterall, I still love my family very much!

Its not like I hate my father or what lah, but he is srsly way too naggggyyyyyy!
He, is the most pro nagg-er I've ever met, way tooo worst then my mother, grandmother & all!
Nabei, he always nag, nag, nag @ me about my bro/sis stuff hor.
Like srsly, nag at me for fuck sia, he really should go nag at them and not me man~
zbai, feel so irritated when ppl nag & nag & nag at me everytime.
Whats more when he is not nagging about me but my bro/sis?!
Feel so irritated, Esp. when I have my own things to deal with at the same time.
& I srsly fucking h8 ppl who bloody fucking nag at me for nothing.

What a great way to start off my 2010, with problems came piling up.
Just when I thought things was coming together, I realized it was just starting to fall apart.
Really sia, need to worry about projs deadline, worry about our plan cannot work,
worry about my bro/sis stuff, worry about my home problem, worry about so many fucking things.
I really thought things was getting better already, but seems like I'm kinda wrong.
Really really hate myself for getting so stress up easily. I mean very very easy.
Little things can make me very crank up also lor. Guess, I really hate being so sensitive lah.
Sensitive = think too much = very stress = life sucks.
Bcuz, life sucks only when you have time to think about how things have changed,
how things can be done correctly, who you’ve lost along the way, and how much of it is your fault.

Ah, whatever lah. Nabei, feeling so cranky at this kind of timing.
Btw, Idk, but when I feel irritated/cranky/upset/mad/whatever bad mood, I feel like scolding vulgarities! -____-

Kthxbai.

Just wondering...

2010-01-10T22:06:00.005+08:00

If you were given a chance to do plastic surgery, will you do it?

If I can't be beautiful, I want to be invisible.

Ciaos.

In the rhythm of life.

2010-01-07T00:25:00.010+08:00

Current new year solutions.
1) Still the same, I hope I can be more thrifty.
2) Raise fund for my oversea trip with my lovely.
3) Hope D* will get better.
4) Get myself a Itouch & DSLR.
5) Hope that my love ones will always be happy always and no worries.
6) Hope that we(my love ones) can still celebrate NYE tgt 10 years down the road.
7) To smile deep from my heart.
8) Lastly, is my little secret.

Well, I've more to add on naows.
9) Gna register my BTT & FTT by this year & pass them all.
10)Can have more time spend with my love ones.
11)Treat Dordor better. (I will try to)
12)Let go and move on with xxxx.
13)Not to fail any modules. (So far so good)
14)Learn to be more forgiving.
15)Better Time-management.
16)Improve on my language, both english & chinese.
17)Make more friends.
18)Try to be more friendly to strangers. TRY!
19)Try not to judge ppl within 15 sec. TRY!
20)Try to update my blog frequently. TRY!

5 years ago, we called each other deardear, dardar, darling etc... How amazing.
Those were the memories that drove us crazy. Really miss those days!
Sec sch is really those time where you can find friends and fun.
They were the friends that accompany me and watch me grow and stay by me, always.
Whereas, poly friends is really just poly friends, nothing more than that.
When things happen, they won't be by your side, they will just try to bring you down.

Someone once told me: "Cherish your sec sch friends, its the only time you can really feel the fun & happiness."
This is so true, bcuz in the entire life, the age between 13 to 17 is the time where most of us is going through alot and experiencing alot. We tend to try different things and learn alot of things. This is also the time when most of the people lead astray and if you mix with the right people and know how to think, you'll learn/gain alot from it. But if you know how to think, that will be good too. If not too bad for you. Life just ain't being good to you.

Though 'friendship' is just a word but I've learn alot of it.
Some show me how deep it is, while other just show me how shallow it is.
Maybe some people just aren't meant to stay in our lives forever, maybe some people are just passing through. It's like some people just come through our lives to bring us something, a lesson we need to learn, and that's why they are there.

Let's just face it. We’ve changed. We all changed. We've gone in different directions. New people came into our lives, maybe yours or mine. We've no longer spend much time in our circle of friends, perhaps not talking to each other for a very long time. I admit, we’ve changed - some for the better, some for the worse. Some of us are finding love and some are trying to let go. There's nothing wrong with us changed. Time changes people. Even though we've changed, and no matter how much we try, nothing will change the point that there's nothing such as friends forever, unless an effort is put in to maintain it. Effort, its sounds like an easy thing, but its not as easy as what you think. If you really meant what you say... Show some effort instead of only saying.

On a side note,
I've decided to grow back long hair.
Also, should I get a BB storm or samsung Jet.? Don't wna get Iphone liaos. Think get Itouch is enough bah.
And also, I've decided to choose Interactive media, hopefully can get in!! Please please.

Ciaos.

Friendship is just a word but my girls give it a whole different meaning.

2010-01-05T23:50:00.001+08:00

I'm still not used to waking up early for sch. Guess, I'm have to try to adjust my timing back ASAP. Last Saturday went to flea and after that went to E's house. It had been a long time since me, dordor & E stay up and gossip tgt alrdy! I mean the last time is like 2 years ago lor. Still rmb those time when we always go to E's house and stay till morning then go home. hahaha. Really had lots and lots of fun. We talk about almost everything under the sky! :P Really really grateful to know dordor and E! They are the best damn thing on earth.

I can still rmb vividly, during sec sch, when I first saw E, we 2 were like enemies. No joke. We always glare at each other from head to toe that kind. Then shout across the corridor when we see each other. hahaha. And thanks to last time the 'superband' thingy that made us become friends. Quite amaze that we can from enemy till friends and then till this close.

Then dordor also, we met her when we were working last time at FEP. The first time me & E see her, we both dislike her ttm. LOL. For me, she gives me a very 'dao' impression. & also I don't like her cuz she is like dman act cute lah. One old woman still wna act young. X: hahah. Psychologists say you judge a person in the first 15 seconds you meet them. I know this is not good, but I'm like that. I tend to judge ppl the first time I meet them, so if they give me a bad impression.. I'll hate them forever, and I won't even try to be nice to them. Why me and Dordor will become close is cuz of our boss & E. hahaha. Last time she and E always sit outside KFC after work and then talk abt our boss. Then slowly, I join them and then we become close.

I guess both my darlings were once someone I hate in the past. But right now, they are my part of my life. I am really grateful for knowing them and them being part of my life. I hope 10 years down the road we can still be as close as now. Thanks for tolerating all my nonsense and my bad temper and still continue to love me. They are always there for me through thick and thin. They are the ones who saw me tearing more than anyone else. They help me with my problems like theirs. They shower me with love and attention. I know I'm always keeping things to myself, and I always will. Because I don't have the habit of sharing my problems with you all. But you guys still willingly to stay by me, and I'm really happy and words can't describe how I feel towards you all. Thanks for always forgiving me when I neglected you all. Thanks for believing in me and accepting me as who I am. And lastly, thanks for understanding me, even though sometime we will have small fights and you all still give in to me. You guys mean everything to me (:

p/s: I didn't know how I ended up posting suchs mushy things. hahaha.

Withmuchlove,
Arena.L

Time flies without warning.

2010-01-01T23:44:00.000+08:00

Yes, Fuck 2009. My 2009 is full of bullshit.
I've learn many things, and drop many tears.

& Like a blink of eyes, 2009 has ended so amazingly fast..
I've been browsing through my entire 2009 and realise many things has change.
Apart from appearance, the character and thinking of people has also change.
Guess life's like this, people come and go. Things are always changing, nothing stays forever.
Nevertheless, I hope things 2010 is a good start for me and everyone.
Happy new year.

Spend my NYE with my usual love ones.
Went to vivo for the channel 8 countdown. It's quite fun.
But no fireworks, but saw alot of handsome and pretty celebrities! hahah.
Haven't receive the rest of the picture from the guys yet, so will upload this first.
Wednesday photo.

What's all of your new year resolutions?
Mine: (hopefully, I can achieve it by the end of 2010)
1) Still the same, I hope I can be more thrifty.
2) Raise fund for my oversea trip with my lovely.
3) Hope D* will get better.
4) Get myself a Itouch & DSLR.
5) Hope that my love ones will always be happy no worries.
6) Hope that we(my love ones) can still celebrate NYE tgt 10 years down the road.
7) To smile deep from my heart.
8) Lastly, is my little secret.

Ciaos.
Best of everything.

Mini bites

2009-12-31T16:02:00.007+08:00

Today's NYE.
I'm gng out ltr. Hopefully new year will be a better one.
Will be back to update again soon.
Baibai

X'mas Eve photos.

PH ladies night photo.

Dear santa,

2009-12-25T02:01:00.007+08:00

All I want for christmas is....

A part-time bf!!! hahahaha.

Merry Christmas to everyone.
Hope everyone has an enjoyable Christmas eve with all ur love ones.
Just got back from town and I'm very very very lazy + tired to upload any pictures.
Whatever is it, I managed to survive thru all the BGLs and TKLs.
And please, don't let me fall sick during this festive season ): PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE!
Cuz I'm have a slight flu naows + cough like mad ): MUST GET WELL BEFORE NYE!! MUST~

Tired bcuz ytd went to PH - ladies night & ton again. Then reach hm ard 7am plus,
bathe and went bed. & Woke up at 1pm plus by my father's call -.-
then feeling lazy to go prepare coz meeting at evening 5 plus..
I hate to ton as I look like my panda eyes will definitely come out. Like one zombie only.
This year don't really have the christmas mood, guess I'm more looking forward to NY! hehehe.
So happy cuz we've got tickets at vivo countdown. But I think will be nothing much also. haha.
Anyw, saw quite some familiar faces at town today, & glad that most of them still rmb me! hahah.
Okay, your highness is very tired already. Shld go hug my bed and drop death till tmr afternoon.
Will upload photos on the next post + my new year resolutions. hehehe. Loves all.

P/s: Thanks all lovely for ur x'mas msges. Though I didn't reply, cuz I dun see the point X: but still thanks alot. Much loves. :P
p/s/s: Dear Mr Santa, Please drop by my house and visit me, free parking for you. & If possible would you help me to sent my regards to somewhere far away, to my love.

Pretty stuffs

2009-12-22T01:33:00.009+08:00

Lately, I've been thinking of my new love...

Yes, they are none other than all these babies.
Ain't they lovable, tell me who doesn't love them.
They are totally gorgeous, insane and killer.

Couldn't find the photo of the black wedges, its really pretty,
I've never find wedges so pretty before. But too bad can't find any pics of it.
How I wish I have them all, come to mummy, come!
Tell me how to not love them?! SO PRETTY!

Anyw, ytd went for swap and $hop flea.
And attended the mixage party... I swear I'll nvr go to any more mixage parties anymore.
Even if its free, I will never go also. Its freaking boring + I don't like the music.
The whole club is pack with so many ppl, guys especially.
& best thing is, they are all like standing there, not dancing nor moving -.-
Okay, whatever, it just sucks big time and so, I went off ard 1 am plus.

Ciaos.

short and sweet

2009-12-19T02:15:00.004+08:00

Went out with esther & xanthe today.
As usual our friday meeting session. Time spend with them is always the best (:
& New look is really amazing, incredible and insane!!
Grrrrr, I am still thinking of that lovely pair of stud heels~ HOW?! ):

Welcome to Your highness' home X: Lawls.

Wednesday's girlie affairs photo.
Was a tiring day, first meet the girls for shisha after that went PH.
BTW, WE SAW 2 OF FAHRENHEIT MEMBERS, JIRO WANG & CALVIN CHEN AT PH.
They are damn hot, I mean your attention will naturally be drawn to them when they walk pass you.
Coz their style and look is so much more outstanding than other guys in the club. hahah.

Overdue photos taken with xanthe.

Ciaos.

No, I'm not dead, yet

2009-12-18T01:05:00.005+08:00

I regret partying last night...
Coz I wake up at 7am ytd as I've got paper at 8.30am.
Then I need to rush to my aunt house.
After that, I need to rush home to change and meet the girls.
And ladies night is not fun at all, so pack and with many guys like FOC like that.
Plus, the free drinks is crap. Totally crap.
Then still ton the whole night...
And also, I now look like a panda! ):
And I'm still so sleep deprived despite the long hours of sleep I have today.
Will be back to update mai blogzx soon....
Your highness is off to catch some sleep.

Ciaos.

Packs of lies.

2009-12-15T22:08:00.000+08:00

Yes, it happened almost everytime to almost everyone, right?

because

2009-12-08T23:12:00.003+08:00

Give me hope. Give me strength. Give me luck. Give me power. Give me happiness. Give me love.

Just because I'm quiet, doesn't mean I don't have a lot to say.
Just because I appear happy, doesn't mean everything is okay.
Just because I forgive, doesn't mean i forget.
Just because I don't listen to your problems, doesn't mean I don't care.
Just because I'm gullible, doesn't mean I can be cheated.
Just because I'm stubborn, doesn't mean I'm not easy going.
Just because I don't study, doesn't mean I'm stupid.
Just because I don't show my feelings, doesn't mean I don't have any.
Just because I'm honest, doesn't mean I'm outspoken.
Just because I'm not like you, doesn't mean I'm weird.
Just because I'm unsure, doesn't mean I'm afraid.
Just because I don't love you, doesn't mean I don't have feelings for you.
Just because.....

Just a side note, I'm really feeling so embarrasses since last friday. Well, serve me right.
p/s : I'm looking forward to this coming friday.
p/s/s : I'm also looking forward to the end of dec.

Ciaos

Take a break...

2009-12-07T02:05:00.003+08:00

Do you ever feel tired of not being yourself all the while ?
Give yourself a break... Be it just one minute.
Have you ever be your real self infront of ppl ? Think about it.
Even if you don't need a break, the ppl ard might need a break from this superficial you.

Which is worst ? Having no friends at all or having friends that are all fake ?
I think in this situation, I would rather to have no friends than having fake friends.
Because you'll living in misery everyday, taking precaution of the ppl ard you.
Might as well, be alone, at least won't have to be so miserable everyday.
I think every little lies that ppl made, helped me find truth in myself.

Recently, too many things are happening again.. I'm afraid of not being to handle it well.
Too much different things revolves ard me at a time, it also means the more pressure ard.
Sometimes, I just hate that I couldn't control my own thinking.
I hate it that, every little single things that changes can actually affect me so much.
I hate it when everytime, I told myself, that this is going to be the last time but yet can't do it.
I hate my thinking that is creating unnecessary pressure for me.
I guess I'm really introspective by nature.
I play hard, try hard, live hard yet it still feels like something is missing.
FML.

p/s : Hate it when ppl don't know anything yet pretending like they know it all.
If they have so much thing, why not worry about themselves ?
Coz if someone can do these things to other ppl, they can also do it to you.
So, worry about yourself first.

Ciaos.